Cake And Coffee

The brain is a really weird thing. Well, perhaps not yours…but mine definitely is. For instance, I’ll be going about my day and all of a sudden I’ll start thinking about something that happened last week, last month, hell, even something from decades ago. And the kicker is, it will totally be unrelated to my current activity and I won’t be able to clear it from my head.

troll-brain

Click. Internal troll-mode activated

I should clarify that when many people have this happen, like my wife, they contemplate important matters such as an upcoming school registration, a bill that is due (or past-due), a house repair that is looming, etc.

Me? Not so much. That is to say I do have those thoughts pop up sometimes, however, for some God-forsaken reason, the things that typically decide to grace me with their unwelcome presence are ones that are embarrassing, regretful, or otherwise ignominious that I can do nothing about. They’re ones that, if I had my druthers, I’d just as soon never remember again.

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Spice It Up

The unstoppable march of time continues and brings us all along for the ride. Well, except for maybe Halle Berry,  Elijah Wood, Reese Witherspoon, Will Smith, or Jennifer Lopez…they never seem to get any older. For the rest of us wrinkling mortals, we’re pulled along, being dragged through the street behind time’s careening, out of control Corvette with cut brakes. Why cut brakes? Why not? It totally adds to the drama of the situation.

Sorry, I got a little sidetracked with action movie cliches. Where was I?

Oh right, the fall season brings some fun and interesting activities. Apple picking, Halloween, tick-or-treating. You know, generally, fun, autumn things.

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Though seeing candy corn in your trick-or-treat bag is almost as big of a letdown as getting a ziploc bag of pennies from that old lady down the street. Biting into each one of these things is like tasting sadness.

There is one thing that I can’t wrap my head around this time of year. Pumpkin-spiced whatevers. Many people like these items, and I hold no ill will against you if you fall into that group. But I know I’m not alone in my aversion to this relatively recent trend because there are plenty of memes bemoaning the annual return of pumpkin-spiced things. I mean, as a society, we’ve just gone bonkers over it.

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Unpopularity Contest

We are 47 days out from the election. That’s right, 47.

47.Long.Days.

It seems like it should be tomorrow, doesn’t it? The soul-crushing reality that there are still more weeks upon weeks of campaigning and political advertisements hit me with the force of a Grand Piano falling from the Empire State Building.

piano-fall

That splat sound you hear might just be a welcoming thing.

Ok, that’s out of my system. Now stick with me to the end of this post. It isn’t long…but it is important.

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It’s Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Ahoy, ’tis speak like a pirate day! Be sure t’ use some good scalawag speak durin’ yer natters.

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Yo ho ho! I think today should really be a national holiday…imagine how epicly dorky that would be.

 

Hopefully you’re welcoming to the idea of interjecting some pirate lingo into your conversations today. Be silly with your friends, goof around with your classmates, act childish among your work colleagues*, embarrass your kids, annoy your spouse…the possibilities are almost endless!

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Why? Just Why?

I’ve mentioned previously that my office is located within a professional building and that we’re on the same floor as several dentists. In and of itself, that’s fine, since I don’t really have anything against dentists. Well, almost nothing. I mean it’s not like I’m an anti-dentite or anything.

dentist

I mean, who doesn’t enjoy having sharp objects jammed into their mouth?

But I guess I do take issue with the fact that the dental hygienist works on cleaning my teeth for 20 minutes and then the dentist arrives at the very end to take a 3 second look at my mouth and declare all is good. He’s in and out faster than a politician’s promise on election day. And also, if you’re gonna stuff your fingers in my mouth and then ask how the family is doing, you’re not really trying.

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Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

Are you easily offended? Do you have a low tolerance for gross topics? Do you live in your own bubble, completely sheltered from the world, and you don’t want any intrusions? If so, then you might want to skip this one.

I warned you recently that I’d be back. Well, I read a news article last night that I just can’t avoid commenting on (thanks a lot Katie for showing that to me). But, before continuing with this post, I’ll put the disclaimer out there one more time. Of course I won’t always be venturing into these waters, but I’m diving right in for this one.

diving

Meh. Gonna do it anyway.

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Retooling

This is just a quick announcement. As you might have noticed (but perhaps not), I’ve spent a good deal of time recently updating, retooling, and generally tweaking my site.

I’ve added a Facebook page and link as well as a Twitter feed to help better connect with you and hopefully for you all to better connect with me…outside of the “contact me” menu option that is.

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Anyone Seen A Post Around Here?

There was one, I know it. Though I’m not sure where it’s gone.
I’ve checked the closet, the guest room, the attic; even out in the lawn.
I worry I won’t see it again. It’s such a frail thing.
Can anybody help me please? I’m hanging by a string.

 

I didn’t leave it at the bar; and was told to stop looking there.
911 said it’s no emergency, in defiance of my despair.
The police came to my house and issued me a citation,
They told me not to call again, and put me on probation.

 

The neighbors shake their heads, and the postman doesn’t have it.
It’s absent from my spam folder, and I don’t like this one bit.
It’s not at the bank, the Walgreens, the store.
I’m going mad and can take it no more.

 

So I’m resigned to sit here and weep bitterly,
The victim of some dark wizardry.
Could it be voodoo, a jinx, a malediction, a curse?
Or maybe something much, much worse?

 

Alas, the search is simply imagination,
And truly is the result of consternation.
That’s right, I saw my words up and vanish,
Making this hunt false, and merely outlandish.

 

But a few ideas have returned to me,
And I am quite pleased to see
A tiny, small glimmer of light,
As I sit and again start to write.

 

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Ok, Shel Silverstein I’m not…but I figured this would be a light-hearted way to say that I think I’ve reemerged from the rock I’ve been under lately. And to those of you who emailed me to check on me, no I haven’t been trapped in my office’s restroom. I did have a “hiatus message” all written up, but awesomely, I didn’t check to make sure I posted the message…leaving it unhelpfully in my draft pile.

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9 Intentionally Bad lines

Oh work, you are my frenemy. You give me money, which helps me to pay bills and generally buy things to help me stay alive. But you also suck…you are a constant stress in my life and take up way more time than you should.

angry computer

One day work. One day.

Putting out more fires than normal at work while trying to complete some ongoing projects has sapped my writing concentration and left a few posts I’ve been working on in a holding pattern. But, as I read through the collection of blogs I follow (check ’em out in the list to the right if you haven’t already…there are some really good sites), I latched onto an idea prompted by Sacha Black on opening and closing lines. More specifically, writing intentionally bad lines.

I have a warped sense of humor, and the bad line idea seized control of my mind. I wrote one and couldn’t stop myself. I was only limited by the speed my fingers could hit the keys. Bizarre analogies, terribly worded sentences, redundant phrasing; it all gave my mind a much needed refocus. Before I knew it, I had a whole list. And so, breaking from my “usual” posts, I’m going to run with some of the better (worse?) ones I came up with.

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Well, That Just Happened…

It may just be a popular meme, but with the utter dependence on love of our smart phones, I doubt that’s the case. So, I feel I can say with some degree of certainty that I may be one of only 93 people in the modern world who doesn’t bring my phone with me to the bathroom. And that’s worked out nicely so far, especially since I’ve never had to resurrect my phone after it was accidentally sacrificed to the porcelain god…though I’ve heard plenty of horror stories.

phone water

Um, let’s just keep this between us.

Well, I learned an important lesson recently: it’s actually not that bad of an idea to bring a phone with you into the restroom at work.

And yes, everything you are about to read actually happened.

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