Oh work, you are my frenemy. You give me money, which helps me to pay bills and generally buy things to help me stay alive. But you also suck…you are a constant stress in my life and take up way more time than you should.
Putting out more fires than normal at work while trying to complete some ongoing projects has sapped my writing concentration and left a few posts I’ve been working on in a holding pattern. But, as I read through the collection of blogs I follow (check ’em out in the list to the right if you haven’t already…there are some really good sites), I latched onto an idea prompted by Sacha Black on opening and closing lines. More specifically, writing intentionally bad lines.
I have a warped sense of humor, and the bad line idea seized control of my mind. I wrote one and couldn’t stop myself. I was only limited by the speed my fingers could hit the keys. Bizarre analogies, terribly worded sentences, redundant phrasing; it all gave my mind a much needed refocus. Before I knew it, I had a whole list. And so, breaking from my “usual” posts, I’m going to run with some of the better (worse?) ones I came up with.
⇒My mind raced like a speeding NASCAR driver rocketing down the road turning unsuspecting animals into gooey road pizza.
And as I wrote “c=sin1” on question 50 of the exam, I looked back and felt supremely confident that the only question I answered on the test was correct. Maybe.
⇒Engrossed in the scene before me, I could do nothing but stare in amazement and listen to the beautiful birds singing, the squirrels chattering, the owls hooting, the dogs happily barking, the cats mewing, the crickets chirping, the trees waving, and the butterflies swooping by saying hi.
I finally looked away from my plain, undecorated, ivory wall and realized that now would be a really good time to take my pills.
⇒The server showed me to my table and I sat down confident that this blind date wouldn’t conclude with me getting kicked in the junk.
As I hobbled through the door to my house and turned on the lights, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, the reflection of my reflection in the mirror behind me, and all the subsequent endless reflections of me and realized that only I was meant for me.
⇒The cacophonous booming rang loudly as the thunderous noise echoed resoundingly in my head.
Being unable to ignore it any longer, I reached out, grabbed the alarm clock and clasped it in my hands in just the same way consciousness had taken hold of me and wouldn’t let go. I knew at that point, I would be awake for the rest of the day.
⇒The switch was flipped and electricity energetically surged and the amp meter spiked as the currents flowed through it.
A smirk appeared on her face. “All has gone according to plan” the electrician said to herself as she left work for the day.
⇒The door slammed with the force only a slamming door could make.
I’m trapped like a rat in a cage the rat thought to himself as he realized he was now trapped within the steel cage.
⇒The unnamed everyman slowly made his way to the window. The looming confrontation with the partially obscured person behind the slightly opened glass would be an anxious battle from which he could no longer back down from.
Having concluded his struggle, he quickly withdrew, able to finally enjoy the freshly cooked hamburger he’d been so anticipating.
⇒I shook my fist, then opened my palm, heard the bouncing, and stared ahead. Disappointment hit me like a ton of bricks.
I wouldn’t pass Go. I wouldn’t collect $200. The day would be a total loss.
⇒I arrived at the theater two hours early for tailgating, and was saddened to learn that’s not a thing for operas. As I took my seat to watch the band warm up, the tuba guy breathtakingly played his scale with the smoothness of a duck trying to walk across a frozen pond, and I knew I was in for a treat.
As the finale began, the singer’s majestic falsetto screeched across the auditorium like jagged fingernails scraping across a chalkboard. And then, along with every wine glass in the auditorium, even my contacts shattered. Best.Evening.Ever.