Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

Are you easily offended? Do you have a low tolerance for gross topics? Do you live in your own bubble, completely sheltered from the world, and you don’t want any intrusions? If so, then you might want to skip this one.

I warned you recently that I’d be back. Well, I read a news article last night that I just can’t avoid commenting on (thanks a lot Katie for showing that to me). But, before continuing with this post, I’ll put the disclaimer out there one more time. Of course I won’t always be venturing into these waters, but I’m diving right in for this one.


Meh. Gonna do it anyway.

You may have missed it, and lord knows I wish I had, but the Italian equivalent of the US Supreme Court just upheld a ruling that masturbating in public isn’t a crime. Yep, you read that right…bopping the bishop, doing the old five finger knuckle shuffle, buffin’ the muffin, jackin’ the beanstalk, badgering the witness, flicking the bean, greasing the pan, playing pocket pool, polishing the family jewels…all good to do in Italy. In public. Now I know what you’re probably thinking.

  • “No way.”


  • “You made this story up.”

I’m afraid I’m just not that creative and/or perverted.

  • “This is from The Onion, right?”

I wish it was.

  • “Surely you misread the article then.”

Nope. Sorry.

  • “There has to be just some rare loophole then.”

Wrong again. The only limitation is that you can’t, ahem, handle business yourself in the presence of a minor. And I guess that makes the ruling slightly better?


No. No it does not.

Apparently this all goes back to last year, when the Italian parliament decriminalized masturbation in public. Because….reasons? And it seems that almost immediately some dude, only named as “PL”, was arrested on the campus of the University of Catania as he worked to service his Caesar. Did I mention that he’s 69 years old? Because, of course he’s 69. He was arrested, fined, and imprisoned. But the high court took the case up and just recently issued the final verdict on this law.

I just have to point out that in the CNN article I read, it says: “the man was convicted in May 2015 after he performed the act in front of students”. Performed the act? This isn’t some kid with a kazoo in a talent show or even a reenactment of the famous suicide scene from Romeo and Juliet. I know we’ve left the realm of sanity and have crashed through the wall of irrational topics, but the phrasing leaves much to be desired here.


How did that even make it past an editor?

I won’t even begin to venture into the wide-ranging implications this ruling will have on sexual harassment, the degradation of public decency, the potential negative impact on tourism, et al. Who has time to travel that endless downward spiral of insanity? But mainly I’m going to move on because we shouldn’t have to go down that road. A normal response to someone diddling themselves in public should begin and end with DON’T DO THAT IN PUBLIC!!! I mean, c’mon.

I’m afraid to imagine what those politicians were thinking in changing this law or how the court could back such a spit in the face of public decorum. I dunno, maybe they took a look at a 1998 Alabama state law which makes private masturbation with material and/or a device a crime and went to the opposite end of the crazy spectrum.


Wait wait wait. Don’t southern states and politicians regularly tout small/limited government and personal freedom? Yet they impose criminal penalties for private “enjoyment”. Hypocritical much?

Or maybe the Italians just took the phrase if you can’t beat ’em, join’ em a bit too seriously.


Stop it now. Just stop.

Ugh. I’ve spent enough time on this subject. I think I’m gonna have to go decontaminate.

I guess the take-home lesson is the next time you decide to travel to Italy, be on the lookout…..er…..watch out for…..um…..just be a bit more careful when traveling to Italy in the future.






Original article: http://www.cnn.com/2016/09/08/europe/italy-supreme-court-masturbation/
Diving: https://freerangestock.com/photos/6172/no-diving.html;
Facepalm: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Facepalm_(7839341408).jpg
By Tim Green from Bradford (facepalm) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Confused: https://pixabay.com/en/poses-female-education-posing-1367416/
Skeptical: https://pixabay.com/en/boy-indiana-fair-young-carnival-732495/
Stop: https://pixabay.com/en/stop-no-photo-no-photographing-hand-565609/



4 thoughts on “Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

  1. It happened to us (two girls in the early twenties) when in Rome! The gross guy was in the stairwell to the subway just looking for a reaction from us. We were so sick of being harassed by then we ran to the trash can at the top and pummeled him with cans and bottles!


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