The unstoppable march of time continues and brings us all along for the ride. Well, except for maybe Halle Berry, Elijah Wood, Reese Witherspoon, Will Smith, or Jennifer Lopez…they never seem to get any older. For the rest of us wrinkling mortals, we’re pulled along, being dragged through the street behind time’s careening, out of control Corvette with cut brakes. Why cut brakes? Why not? It totally adds to the drama of the situation.
Sorry, I got a little sidetracked with action movie cliches. Where was I?
Oh right, the fall season brings some fun and interesting activities. Apple picking, Halloween, tick-or-treating. You know, generally, fun, autumn things.
There is one thing that I can’t wrap my head around this time of year. Pumpkin-spiced whatevers. Many people like these items, and I hold no ill will against you if you fall into that group. But I know I’m not alone in my aversion to this relatively recent trend because there are plenty of memes bemoaning the annual return of pumpkin-spiced things. I mean, as a society, we’ve just gone bonkers over it.
Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin spice Cheerios, pumpkin spice peeps, pumpkin spice yogurt, pumpkin spice beer, pumpkin spice marshmallows, McDonald’s pumpkin spice french fries…the absurdity just goes on and on.
Well, the old saying is if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I searched around and couldn’t find these items anywhere online, so here I go…my top 6 contributions* to this baffling trend.
6. Pumpkin spice fire logs©
Enjoy the cool weather and cuddle up to your loved one…or latte, whichever your preference…while being inundated with pumpkin-spiced smells emanating from your fireplace or fire pit. As an added bonus, use these with some pumpkin spice marshmallows (see: above) to create a bastard s’more concoction. Better yet, hold a seance to conjure pumpkin spice graham crackers and pumpkin spice chocolate to create an unholy monstrosity.
With these smells proliferating the area, confound your neighbors or become the enmity of your fellow campers. Offend wildlife while you’re at it too. Heck, at the rate we’re eliminating their habitats, we might as well try to shoot the moon and annihilate their sense of smell too.
5. Pumpkin spice binkies©
Binky, pacifier, sussy, bo-bo, nook, soother. Whatever you call it, spice it up and jam it in your child’s mouth. The pumpkin spiced trend has been going strong for a decade (is it clear yet that I’m very, very mad at you Starbucks?) and doesn’t really show signs of slowing, so we might as well start indoctrinating the next generation as early as possible.
4. Pumpkin spice shoe inserts©
Why just stop at cologne or perfume scented madness? Give your feet a chance to play along. And by trying to mask the smell of your lower extremities, you can really confuse your co-workers, family, and friends while simultaneously destroying their olfactory receptors.
Just think of it. You know that stale, rotten stank coming from your jack-o-lantern after Halloween and after you forget to take it out on garbage night? Yeah, that smell. That could be your feet!
3. Pumpkin spice pepper-spray©
Change it up this fall season and, ahem, spice up your self-defense repertoire. Swap out the cartridge of your favorite pepper sprayer with this little gem. And hey, if you’re going to blind someone, might as well deprive them of sight with the scent of the season. Just call it being festive.
2. Pumpkin spice coffins©
Now we’re talking. Grieve your loved ones surrounded by the warm scent of pumpkin spice. You can almost be assured that you won’t be stuck in uncomfortably long conversations with distant relatives for too long, because no one will be able to stay in the room for more than a few minutes. Ironically, the luckiest person in the room may just be the corpse.
1. Pumpkin spice dog poop bags©
Here we go. I can just image the special pumpkin scented molecules from the bag adhering to the poop scent, all while trying futilely to disguise the disgustingness in your hands as you stroll through the town. Are you carrying a three week old decaying gourd in your hand or is it your dog’s “leavings” obscured by a hint of pumpkin? No one will know!
*I honestly did search for these items online before writing this and have found nothing. So if some corporation or marketing team comes across this blog, please use the “contact me” page and let’s start the discussion of marketing these ideas.**
**If this actually happens, I hereby profusely apologize to the general public for contributing to the downfall of sanity. But you know, money’s money 😉
Candy corn: By liz west – originally posted to Flickr as candy corn squircle, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=10317280
Everywhere meme: https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/X-Everywhere
All the things meme: https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/X-All-The-Y
Pepper spray meme: https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/44155470/Pepper-spray-cop
Spongebob coffin meme: https://memegenerator.net/instance/72085779
Dog poop meme: https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/19791641/Dog-poop